So, here is the scoop.  At this moment I should be sleeping and unconsciously anticipating a long, nerve-racking, crazy, 11 hour-ish flight to Ireland.  Well, hurricane Irene has put a stop to that.  Our flight was cancelled and postponed for about a week.  I wouldn't mind except now I don't know what to do with myself to pass the time between now and then.  I was thinking maybe I could finish all of my half-finished (and may I say now unwanted) projects that have been gathering dust in my closet for the past billion years.  But that would be too productive and frankly I don't feel like doing anything.  It seems like all I have done for past several months is just "go."  And not necessarily in any direction or progressing but continuously and haphazardly moving in one place.  So I have made a plan called, "Find Yourself in Ireland."  It's a catchy title if I do say so myself.
I have thought a lot about where I want to take my life and have decided that I can become the person I want to be by making and working towards some goals.  I tried looking for the book "Where to Take Your Life and How to Get There."  Too bad it doesn't exist.  But given that there isn't such a wise book or a crystal ball that can tell us where our life will take us, I guess it is up to us to drive our lives.  So, here are my goals that I am planning on working on while I am disconnected from the world I know now (a.k.a. living in Ireland.)


1.  Learn to Initiate Conversation
     --Often times I find myself in the self-inflicted awkwardness of not knowing how to act or what to say around a new acquaintance or a complete stranger.  I stand there, trying to look everywhere except at them, trying unsuccessfully to look busy on my phone or watching the crowd, and in the end I realize that what was the opportune moment to meet this person has gone out the window.  It is a tragedy.  Therefore what started out as a slight feeling of discomfort when being in the presence of someone new becomes a colossal sensation that starts with a thumping heart and moves to heat your face and ears to an uncomfortable level (I bet if you put a meat thermometer up to your skin it would be to at least 165 degrees.)  It's not pleasant.  So my theory is that you are better off filling the air with random questions or spilling your whole life story in a minute to this person you don't know.  Recipe for instant friend.
Since this is operation "Give Natalie Social Skills" and I am only learning how to initiate conversation, I think I will start at the pubs, where half the people are drunk off of Guinness and the other from the live music.  Our conversation, that will probably nose-dive, won't be remembered.


2.  Blossom
     --I have a crazy and quirky side to me that not many people are able to discover.  It takes years to knock down the fortress I have built around me.  I wish I could blame these walls on the hurt caused by rancid/toxic friendships; while they have added to the problem I think the main reason is me.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin and therefore don't let others in to witness what I see as not whole.  My perception is probably skewed and is something I want to change.   I want to feel good in knowing that I am me.  I want to feel like a complete and whole being.  So in this challenge for myself I am going to let my personality become.  I am going to wear blood-red lipstick if I feel like it, or wear skirts for no reason, or dance in the rain, be spontaneous daily, sing at the top of my lungs in the shower, maybe sing at the top of my lungs in the park.  I feel like I need to live a little bit more free in order to find out exactly who I am as a person.  I may lay off on the coloring my hair with washable markers...sometimes the marker doesn't come out.  Just sayin'.  I need more people in my life and want to avoid repelling them by having a light, fun personality.


3.  Honesty
     --Have you ever met someone who is not afraid to say it how it is and not sugar coat?  I know a someone who is like this.  I have watched her and noticed that she always tells her honest opinion, even if said opinion is not totally positive.  Yet she does it in a way that is not offensive and actually often times results in constructive criticism.  This is a skill I woefully lack yet want to acquire.  I am sick of dancing around the issue and want to hit it head on.  I am ready to start this and will begin by saying...I am not really sure.  I can't think of an opinion slash view I would like to share.  But when I do I will let you know.


While I have way more things on my list of "Finding Myself in Ireland," these are in my top 10...even though I only wrote 3.  


I still haven't solved my issue of what to do for the next week but am feeling great about my well-being and who I will become.

Its April and there is slush covering all of Logan, trying to disguise itself as snow.  Rude.  I want the sun to be out, see buds turn into leaves and blossoms and feel a warm breeze.  Or rain.  Just no more snow.  It is like Mother Nature is trying to match my crazy emotions--the highs and lows, the good times and bad times.  I don't know what I want out of life right now.
I have always been a little shy and trying to break out of my shell is a painful process.  Whenever I go to take that step, something pulls me back and I make the excuse of the century--"Umm...my brother needs the keys to the car so I better go..."  If I am going to invent a reason for leaving an friend-making opportunity, I might have said, "sorry but I have to wash my hair."  I guess all I can do is start chiseling the barrier that surrounds me and hides me from the world.
On a different note, I have found that trying to find a 12x18 picture frame in a physical store (without having to give your arm and leg to pay the price for a custom frame) is impossible.  They have 11x14, 12x16, 14x20 etc.. and all sorts of crazy sizes but of course the one I need is non-existent.  What is this world coming to?! Oh ya, online shopping.  They have every color and style you could imagine for 12x18 frames on amazon.com.  Who'da thought?

Scrap the old and bring in the new!

Since I am neither in school or have a job, I have found Facebook has crept into my downtown time. And let's be honest, its happens quite frequently.  I have found that I like to look at profiles of people whom I have never met and am sometimes tempted to add them as a friend.  And I a stalker?  Hardly.  I have found that Facebook is the best way to find obscure music that no radios and most people don't know about.  After listening to my playlist for at least five years, every once in a while adding a couple of songs, it is time to scrap the old and bring in the new!  Now at the moment, my favorite new song (well new to me at least because I don't know when it came out) is called Creatures by Water and Walls.  I would put it into the category of S. Carey and maybe even the Generationals.  In any case, its good!  And for a fact, it is the only new song I have discovered through FB.  But lucky for my, there is still time.  And there's enough where that came from.  

I love it when after long periods of time where nothing seems to go as planned, all of the sudden the pieces of the puzzle just fall into place.  It is the best feeling ever, ever, ever!  That's all.

I just got back to Logan from taking a trip home.  As much as I love home, there is always something exciting about coming back to my quaint little apartment.  The only problem is that now I am here, I don't know what to do with myself.  I am in DIRE need of a job.  But after a month of applying and constantly reaching a dead end, I have decided that I am going to have to be a professional plasma donor and dumpster diver...on second thought, no.  But I would appreciate having something to do!
So with no life of employment or school responsibilities, I instead have been cleaning and organizing my room and cupboard.  I am proud to announce that all the garbage cans are no longer overflowing and drowning the floor around it.
It has been sprinkling and the drips of the rain cause me to think of the hours we spent dancing in the rain at Mill Hollow.  I love the sounds, smell, and feeling that come with good rain.  Unfortunately though, winter rain is not the same.  But this might call for a walk.  The other day I took a walk in sub-degree weather...I didn't make it very far to say the least.

Hello!

I have finally set up a blog to grace the cyber-world with my presence.  I must say that I am excited yet feel a little silly.  What can I contribute to the blogosphere?  Well don't be surprised that it won't be anything wise or earth shattering; it will only consist of the awkward day-to-day experiences I find myself in.  Like the time I almost got my tooth pulled out because I was mixed up with another patient at the dentist.  Luckily I still have all teeth in contact.  Or the time I was walking out of my Anthropology class and a guy came up to me to inform me that my shirt was on backwards... It was a very nice gesture on his part but I think I would have rather discovered that for myself when I got home.  

 Aside from the awkwardness that infiltrates my life on a daily basis, life is great!